Feeling Ill? It’s all in your head...

If you’ve been feeling sick lately, I’m sorry to say that it may just be in your mind. Granted, the majority of you have probably contracted some sort of virus, but it’s also possible that your symptoms are caused by fear or anxiety. Called psychosomatic illness (warning: boring Web site alert), symptoms could appear in conjunction with a physical illness or after a stressful event, such as a meteorite crashing into your hometown.

Scientists think this may be the case with a recent illness in Peru. You see, a meteorite supposedly hit the country over the weekend near everyone’s favorite lake with a funny name - Lake Titicaca. After testing the area for toxins, the scientists cannot figure out what is making the people sick. Therefore, like with most other unexplained phenomena, the only explanation is that it’s all in the Peruvians’ heads.

Or something like that. Anyway, to get some of this horribly confusing space-rock lingo out of the way: A meteoroid is a rock, which is larger than interplanetary dust but smaller than an asteroid, that hangs out in our solar system. When we see it shoot across the sky, it’s called a meteor, but when it hits a planet, it’s called a meteorite.

Some witnesses claim that bubbling, muddy water appeared once the meteorite crashed, leading skeptics to believe that the gaping crater was formed by a volcanic eruption, since meteorites are cold when they strike earth. Given that Peru has around 15 volcanoes, I’d expect most of the residents to know the difference between a rock falling from the sky and molten rock spewing from inside the earth; I guess the same could also be said about the scientists.

Anyway, someone else confirmed that it was, indeed, a meteor, which is rather frightening (but not frightening enough to get me sick over, yet). According to NASA, around four billion meteorites enter Earth’s atmosphere every day. Fortunately for us, most of them burn up before hitting anything.

The meteorites that do hit Earth leave an impact crater or basin, and there are only around 120 discovered on Earth so far. In the Peru incident, the impact of the meteorite caused a tremor equal to setting off 4.9 tons of dynamite, and caused a 42 foot by 15 foot crater.

I’d say that is definitely enough to cause some sort of trauma to the residents. One lady reported that rocks were raining down from the sky right after the meteorite’s impact and she was afraid her house was going to collapse. If I was in her position, I’d probably be feeling ill, too.

So even if the mystery illness turns out to be psychosomatic, I’d say it’s well justified, at least for now. As for the queasy feeling you’re having because you didn’t study for your exam, you totally brought that one upon yourself.

Free Food Is Always Delicious

Lately I’ve been hearing that the best way to reach college students is through their stomachs -- i.e. give them free food -- and for some reason, it appears to be true. Our response to food could be some sort of natural survival skill, where we pack food into our cheeks like hamsters (metaphorically) and try to save some for later, but I seriously doubt it. Although Scientific American says it’s possible to survive 40 days without food, so long as we allow ourselves to drink water, I have a hard time believing that the long line of students at every free-food event have been waiting days for their next meal; granted, they may have been waiting all day for the event, but have probably eaten within the past 24 hours.

My guess is that we’ve been conditioned to some sort of Pavlovian response. Pavlov was the guy who would give his dog a treat every time his metronome sounded in an effort to "condition" the animal; if you don’t know what a metronome is, just pretend I said "every time he rang a bell in regular intervals," which isn’t correct but close enough for our purposes. Anyway, over time the dog would start to salivate -- or its mouth would water -- at the sound of a metronome. In our case, I think our mouths begin to water at the sight of free food. If there’s free food in the room with you, you know you’re going to check it out and possibly eat some of it, even if your stomach isn’t rumbling. And, of course, we cannot stop at just one free cookie or chicken wing.

Our friends over at Science Daily explain that we eat so much because we’re stressed and the food is tempting. I’ve noticed that even if the food isn’t tempting, like the ever-unappealing cooked vegetables or --worse yet-- the dreaded pepperoni pizza, there is still a somewhat-hungry person in line who will eat it. I will definitely won’t argue with the fact that we’re stressed, though, whether we consciously acknowledge it or not.

Stress eating is a common response to sudden danger, says Psychology Today. The danger could be anything from a near-accident on the highway to the possibility of failing a test. When we’re stressed, our bodies release cortisol, which is a hormone produced inside the adrenal gland, our hearts start to race and our metabolisms speed up. In turn, it may make us more prone to eat. Along with inactivity, stress eating is probably the main contributor to the sneaky condition known as the "Freshman 15", which affects many college students (myself included).

There is nothing wrong with stress eating if, like most things, it’s done in moderation. If you’re showing up to more than one free food event in a single day, it may be in your best interest to keep your friends (and yourself) from gorging, no matter how stressed you are or how tempting it may seem. Chances are I’ll be there, too, along with the rest of the University Press staff.

Why walk when you can drive in circles

From the early morning into the evening, the campus parking lots look like those at the mall around Christmas: cars circling around for hours, vehicles parked on the medians and hundreds of frustrated drivers. Unlike the mall, though, there is usually plenty of parking out in the middle of nowhere - such as the fifth floor of the Art and Letters parking garage on the Boca campus - but who wants to park there?

Not most students, apparently. So, based on research done by real scientists, I've drawn my own conclusions about why we would rather drive in circles than walk a few extra yards.

One possible reason is that our brains are full; there's just not enough room to remember our multiplication tables, all six American Idol winners and where we parked our car. LiveScience says we have such horrible short-term memories because we try to remember too much. Given that we're college students who thrive on cramming sessions and memorizing answer sheets, I can believe it - sort of. The problem arises in that we have no idea how to forget things; it’s easy to say that our brains are nearing capacity, but there's really nothing we can do about it. And if you think your memory is bad now, just wait a couple decades and see how many more useless memories are clogging your brain – you may just need to tie those plastic flowers to your car’s antenna or put a dozen flags on your windows.

Another reason could be that we need the false sense of accomplishment which getting a closer spot - or even preventing someone else from getting it - brings to us. Like our grade-school bullies, some people live only to make the lives of others more difficult. And I’m sure you know who I’m talking about: The people who follow you too closely so that you can’t back up a foot or two, and the people who try to cut you off and steal your spot. According to Reuters, odds are that these bullies are your bosses on a nice power trip. So next time, try to keep in mind that the jerk who took your spot may actually be the same person who lost your transcript or short-changed you at a campus venue. And I’m just going to leave it at that, since I’m all against retaliation when I’m on the record.

Of course, we could also claim that we are fulfilling our supposed urge to hunt by following people to their cars. Based on what Science Daily says, this could easily backfire, since our immediate response to being followed is to run, freeze or weave in and out of cars. The guy who conducted this study (which used a Pac-Man-like game) says this reaction "is a poor survival strategy and makes it more likely that the animal will be eaten and not pass on its genes." It also makes us more likely to stand there and point when Godzilla wanders out of the ocean and stomps all over the city. So, it turns out that following a person for too long may only make him or her nervous and instinctually try to ditch you, but at least this method also serves as something to do if you have time to kill.

Anyway, the truth of the matter is that we probably just drive around in circles because it's hot outside and we're lazy college students. But, really, where's the fun in that?

How Not to Fight Global Warming

You know those times when you're taking a test and have absolutely no idea what the answer is? Whether you studied or not, your only option now is to make something up, no matter how outlandish it may seem. I'm sorry to say that this is a skill you will probably need throughout life, and it's become clear through some of the world's proposed solutions to global warming.

For instance, some groups think not having sex or sitting on your ass will make the planet a cooler place. Don't think abstinence or laziness will work? Neither do I, but some people obviously don't share our opinions. Anyway, here are the dumbest solutions to global warming I have found on the Web. Sorry folks, Live Earth didn't make the cut.

The most popular bizarre solution is to create a solar shield, specifically one made out of everyone's favorite vile-smelling element: sulfur. The idea is to "imitate the cooling effects of volcanic eruptions, which send large sulfur-rich clouds into the atmosphere" and reflect the sunlight, reports National Geographic. The only major downfall is global drought. Other possible side effects include a whitening of the sky, further damage to the o-zone layer and everything smelling like rotten eggs.

National Geographic did manage to find the situation's silver lining: "On the upside, sunsets and sunrises would become more spectacular." I guess some times you just can't have your cake and eat it too -- which is good in this case, since it would probably taste like sulfur.

Apparently mortified by the thought of food having taste, our friends over in England have created their own way to combat global warming: exercising less. As reported by the Times (UK), research has found that people are hungry after they exercise, and food production only damages the planet. Thus, the more you exercise, the more food you eat, and therefore the more you damage the planet.

Or something along those lines. It's the kind of reasoning that only makes sense when you're high.

Anyway, what the scientists are trying to say -- I hope -- is that the cost of production outweighs the benefit of the goods, when it comes to environmental damage. While there may be truth to that statement, becoming a couch potato sounds about as helpful as world-wide drought when it comes to global warming.

Our final seeming-odd solution comes from China, where they believe having less sex -- or rather, producing less kids -- will stop global warming; I think they've eaten too much lead paint.

Since the 1970s, the Chinese have only been allowed one to two children per family in order to slow the population growth, says Reuters. According to the article, "China, which rejects criticism that it is doing too little to confront climate change, says... [t]he number of births avoided equals the entire population of the United States."

If only all countries could fight global warming through their already-established laws. I could say that I'm fighting global warming by driving on the right side of the road -- if I didn't, think of all the energy wasted by the theoretical ambulances and hospital stays.

I guess the only real solution is to sit around alone in the dark, since everything else wastes too much energy; you may also want save yourself the trouble and get used to sulfur cake.