How Not to Fight Global Warming

You know those times when you're taking a test and have absolutely no idea what the answer is? Whether you studied or not, your only option now is to make something up, no matter how outlandish it may seem. I'm sorry to say that this is a skill you will probably need throughout life, and it's become clear through some of the world's proposed solutions to global warming.

For instance, some groups think not having sex or sitting on your ass will make the planet a cooler place. Don't think abstinence or laziness will work? Neither do I, but some people obviously don't share our opinions. Anyway, here are the dumbest solutions to global warming I have found on the Web. Sorry folks, Live Earth didn't make the cut.

The most popular bizarre solution is to create a solar shield, specifically one made out of everyone's favorite vile-smelling element: sulfur. The idea is to "imitate the cooling effects of volcanic eruptions, which send large sulfur-rich clouds into the atmosphere" and reflect the sunlight, reports National Geographic. The only major downfall is global drought. Other possible side effects include a whitening of the sky, further damage to the o-zone layer and everything smelling like rotten eggs.

National Geographic did manage to find the situation's silver lining: "On the upside, sunsets and sunrises would become more spectacular." I guess some times you just can't have your cake and eat it too -- which is good in this case, since it would probably taste like sulfur.

Apparently mortified by the thought of food having taste, our friends over in England have created their own way to combat global warming: exercising less. As reported by the Times (UK), research has found that people are hungry after they exercise, and food production only damages the planet. Thus, the more you exercise, the more food you eat, and therefore the more you damage the planet.

Or something along those lines. It's the kind of reasoning that only makes sense when you're high.

Anyway, what the scientists are trying to say -- I hope -- is that the cost of production outweighs the benefit of the goods, when it comes to environmental damage. While there may be truth to that statement, becoming a couch potato sounds about as helpful as world-wide drought when it comes to global warming.

Our final seeming-odd solution comes from China, where they believe having less sex -- or rather, producing less kids -- will stop global warming; I think they've eaten too much lead paint.

Since the 1970s, the Chinese have only been allowed one to two children per family in order to slow the population growth, says Reuters. According to the article, "China, which rejects criticism that it is doing too little to confront climate change, says... [t]he number of births avoided equals the entire population of the United States."

If only all countries could fight global warming through their already-established laws. I could say that I'm fighting global warming by driving on the right side of the road -- if I didn't, think of all the energy wasted by the theoretical ambulances and hospital stays.

I guess the only real solution is to sit around alone in the dark, since everything else wastes too much energy; you may also want save yourself the trouble and get used to sulfur cake.